Babies

Ok so as you all know i'm misanthropic. There are somethings i tolerate but this article is not about that. This article is all about the Hatred. YAY hating things. Today we will take a look at babies. Dear lord I hate babies so much. there is so muchi can say on the topic of babies that i dont even know where to begin. wheel of hatred spin, spin, spin. tell me the place to begin. ok the wheel of hatred landed on "ugly." BABIES ARE UGLY. there is nothing cute or adorable about a tiny bald, wrinkled person that constantly throws up on itself. you dont look at drunken hobos and think 'aww thats so precious'.

see what I mean

second babies smell bad. Now your probably saying but Jordan it's not the babies fault that it throws up on itself and poo's its pants. yes this is true that the baby cant help it but the fact that they give off gross smells at all makes them less likeable. It wouldnt be as bad if it was just the baby but thier stank infests the whole house. I mean god its everywhere constantly. plus the stuff you use to make babies less smelly is really smelly itself. its not getting rid of the smell its just changing it to different equally gross smell. you can never win the smell fight, ever.

third, babies are loud. they cry all they freaking time! if it wants food it crys, if it wants to play it crys, if it poos it crys, if you shake it it crys. SHUT UP BABY. im mean if it had other ways of comunicating besides crying then maybe it wouldnt be so bad. but since screaming at the top of their lungs while making various other annoying noises is the only way that they have conversations with people is not good. (solution: baby muzzle?)

people dont like the fact that i hate babies. they come up to me and are like but Jordan you used to be a baby. yes, USED TO, not any more. i also believed in god. THINGS CHANGE. when im older i prolly wont hate babies enough to make my wife have one but as of now I hate babies.

now for a theory on babies. Babies are an STD (that only effect women) thats why women go to hospitals to get them removed. ( I wish AIDS was that simple). people have decided that its socially acceptable to keep the babies as souvieniers(sorta like tonsils). after a while the babies start to change.(like moldy bread?.....or moldy tonsils??)when they change they aren't so bad any more (lol instead of getting smelly the smell goes anyway.)

I see the pie article on the horizon. look its right over there. or if your reading this after i have written the pie article the look its right up there. go read it....again.

Funny Pictures

Ok so the only story I have behind this post is that I found a lot of funny pictures on the internet... I love the internet. Here they are:

Women of the World Unite!

So I think I should explain that this was a really awkward topic to write about. Camille was next to me so I decided to use her help as a woman of the world to try and make things just a little bit less awkward for me. Therefore I made Camille type in everything into google and I just sorta watched and told her what to type.... Ok... Camille is being difficult... She must be PMS-ing. I guess I'll just have to deal with some strange looks from people walking past. O wait! Cheltsea is also a woman of the world and will replace Camille.


So as I began to discuss the idea with Cheltsea, it dawned on her, its 100% true. Here is my theory, and I have even looked for research to back it up. It all starts in my Psychology class maybe 3 months ago. My teacher took the risk of explaining that PMS-ing does not exist. There are actually no biological changes in a woman's body to explain odd behaviors.... and cravings... unless they are pregnant.


Ok ready for research: "Don’t blame the hormones. It formerly was assumed that women with severe symptoms had a different hormonal profile than those who breeze through that week with never a complaint. Accordingly, the most popular therapies–until now–were focused on modifying these hormonal patterns by adding a little progesterone or some estrogen. This therapy never worked, and so other approaches were tried–notably vitamins and herbs. Although they sometimes help, they haven’t been entirely satisfactory either." (taken from http://www.womenandhormones.com/Pages/page4PMS%20Advice%20.html)


Yeah. That's pretty impressive huh? Anyhow, my theory is such: Long ago there were twelve women known only as the black plague. These women met together one day and had a deep discussion, this is what they said. "Ok everyone, the meeting of the black plague has begun. Hey Josephine, you will be taking notes today. Alright everyone I have an important subject to discuss. Acting irrationally. We all know that it is incredibly fun; however, if we do it too much then we will never get married. Therefore there must be some sorta way that we can act irrationally and have an excuse that no man will ever question.... Anyone?..."


"What if we just always act rationally?"


Everyone laughs. "No for real this time... whew good one... ok so any other ideas? It has to be something that is unique to women so that men will have no grounds to argue against it..."


"What if we use (This suggestion is blocked for younger readers). Then we can act completely crazy every month and have a flawless alibi!"

"HELGA! PERFECT! And we shall call it, the Black Plague after our organization!"


So that is my theory. Of course they changed the name after a while to PMS but it explains why so many Europeans died in Midevil times. So from there every mother to daughter has a talk about the ability to act crazy once a month. In fact, Cheltsea just told me that they are actually educated in school to use this opportunity to its fullest. She's singing "Just around the Corner" to me right now.


For this reason, my life's mission is to find these missing notes from this important meeting and expose them. I'm not totally sure how men will react to the news. I'm pretty sure that most will be a little pissed. And women's response will be even more unpredictable. Will they deny it? Or simply assassinate me? I guess I will just have to wait and see...

Cars

As with most things I own, I have been doing my best to destroy my vehicular mobile. In my year and a half of driving I have been able to trade paint with 3 other cars. Only one of which was a moving car. Then on top of that Ive been able to break my blinker and knock off my mirror with a pillar and a cement curb. In this entry, I would like to clarify my struggles...

My first - A parked suburban.

Damage - Broken Tail Light, dent into side of suburban.

Summary - Ok I still make no claim of fault in this incident! So what happened was my mom

parked her suburban out side of her garage for no apparant reason and didn't tell me she did it! So its a white car and it had snowed that morning and my rear window is covered in snow and its 550 in the morning.... I blame her...

Second accident - Paul Woodbury's green saturn stopped at a red light turning left

Damage - Loss of front license plate, loss of paint on front of car, and yet... no visible damage to Paul's car...

Summary - Ok... This one was my fault... Pretty much completely... What happened was I was driving Charlie from seminary to school and we were waiting at the light to turn into my school parking lot when for some reason unknown to me I decided, "Hey... I should gun it forward for no reason without looking up. I bet the light turned green while I wasn't paying attention!" So sure enough I slam into his trunk... It must have looked really funny to everyone else tho cuz everything was fine then this red mustang just SOON lost it and gunned it into the back of a green saturn. So we didn't even ever talk about it really since most of the damage was done to my car... and Paul's german exchange student's mental statis. The funny part is I knew something looked different but couldn't figure out I what until after school when I looked at it and it hit me... My license plate was gone! I was freaking out and dragged Jordan along to go look for it. Sure enough, there it still was at the scene of the crime thankfully.

Third accident - Backed into in a parking lot

Damage - Minimal

Summary - Well this is the common right of passage to all drivers, the 'I was already here and you kept backing up even tho I'm blaring my horn and reversing' accident. I don't think I need to go into detail. I just looked at her angrily, she apologized, then I went home to eat cheez-its.

Fourth accident - The light post

Damage - Broken Blinker, hole/gash in front left bumper, body plate bent so that my door pops

when I try to open it, stained my best pair of pants.

Summary - Ok so this is going to take the help of a visual example again. Pretty much I imitated

Jasmin and turned around to grab something from the back, miscalculated my trajectory, and slammed into my light column at my house. That was the biggest impact I've felt in a car. Like I went from 18 - 0 really really fast... I know that sounds lame but it scared me ok? ps my parents don't know about this one. I just started parking in a bush to hide the damage...

Fifth accident - The Curb

Damage - My rear view mirror is no longer attached to my windshield

Summary - Ok So I'm a little bitter about this one as well... What happened is that I was pulling out onto Arapahoe in my mustang and was being a good driver and all. So I was looking to my left to make sure no cars were coming when all of the sudden it felt like land mines went off underneath me. I just ducked screaming, "I'm in 'nam!" Then I backed up carefully and still didn't see anything... So I had to get out of my car and look to see this little triangle of raised cement in the middle of the road with no RETURN signs and no purpose... except maybe as a joke... sitting right in front of my car. It was totally invisible to me! My windshield is really angled so seeing is already and issue and... yeah... stupid WaterWay... O and for future reference, hot glue does not attach a mirror back onto a windshield.

So I hope this has been educational. And I'm actually not a bad driver, I was ranked no. 1 during a BMW driver thingy... for lack of a better word... I just zone out a lot.

Moving

So yesterday I finally moved into my new house. We bought it 15 months ago expecting to move in by August, then in September, then by the end of November, then January, then February for sure... The final move in was March 2nd. It took forever. But this post isn't about my summer working, although I have plenty of funny stories while building my fence and while building my deck etc. This post is all about the mistakes I made while moving that didn't dawn on me until this morning. I was dumb. Look... I even disappointed Bongo.... That's a downer....


So yesterday I packed everything I could into my car and made two trips from my old house to my new one to create a room that sorta resembled what I wanted it to. That included one poster, a Dark Knight one of course. Any room without a Dark Knight poster isn't a room at all in my opinion. So I also got my guitars over there because I have always wanted to play guitar on the roof at my new house. That still is going to be awesome! But that is for another time. I wanted to talk about what I didn't remember to pack. The most important of which.....


A towel.....

So I wake up at 510 this morning and I walk to my shower and I turn on the hot water and wait.... and wait... and check and its still ice piped directly from antartica. I'm like, "what the crap? did I not turn it onto hot or something?" So i switch it the other direction to see if I had messed it up. Now I should probably mention that my house is a major remodel and my parents have upgraded everything from the crappy dump we bought to a pretty nice house, except for the basement..... and my bathroom.... So it turns out that unlike the rest of the house, my bathroom's plumbing takes about 15 minutes to get warm water. So by about 10 minutes I had given up, I wasn't patient enough to figure out why no warm water was coming. So I just jump in and take little excursions thru the freezing waterfall before jumping back to the opposite corner and shivering. Then all of the sudden one of my jumps was into a stream of lava. I pratically knocked myself out I jumped back into the wall so hard. I could see the temperature control but there was no way to get to it. The steaming geyser was in between us. Eventually, with the help of a pully system I was able to improvize out of a couple tp rolls and a coat hanger I was able to turn it onto cold again. Once again it was ice cold, I just couldn't win. So i finish my shower adventure and crawl out and look around.... I just kinda did the Bongo pose... You gotta be kidding me!


So I just grabbed my parents towel.... from their bathroom... where they were asleep. And walked to my room. It was then I realized that I had no blinds in my room. I either had to be an expeditionist or I had to get dressed in the dark. I elected the later. Yeah I still don't know what I'm wearing... but I'm pretty sure those aren't pants on my legs.... They have a hold the size of my head.

So I hope this helps anyone who is moving. Remember to bring: towel, pillow (almost forgot that one too), garbage can, and chairs (more important than you think at first)...