I'm still alive, I'm just trapped in the basement!

So just to be clear. I'm not totally sure how many websites I'm blocked from and its only on my laptop. So yeah its a little annoying but who am I to complain? My kids are way worse off. They have no idea of the backhand slap of a life they're going to have!

So, to my son(s),
What's up?! How's it going? I see you've found my blog. I have no idea how cuz I sure didn't tell you the url. O well, enjoy!

My Daughter (hence the missing option for multiple daughters. That's because if I have more than one, the second is going to China to go be of some use.)
I swear, if you aren't wearing your extra pairs of clothing....

Just to make some sence of my letters to my children let me explain. I'm not gonna be worried about my sons at all. They can do pretty much whatever they want and I'm not gonna be worried. If they get beat up or something, they better learn to defend themselves better. I'm not going to raise a bunch of babies. In fact, that will be their one rule: Thou shalt not whine.

Now my daughters... I'm going to be way off the top protective of them. I was just kidding about the China option, my wife would kill me. So unless there's a freakishly attractive woman out there that approves of my plan, I'm in trouble. (If you are said attractive woman... FIND ME!!!)

So first rule: Must wear either extremely loose clothing or multiple layers of clothing. I don't want any hormone driven little boys getting any ideas.

Second rule: Cannot talk to boys until they are 16. Not date at 16, I meant talk to boys at all. Dating isn't til 20.

Third rule: Thou shalt not whine that thy brothers have freedom and thou dost not. (Pretty self explanitory.)

Fourth rule: When that awful 20th birthday presents its ugly head, I must meet potential first date boy and he must complete the entire American Gladiator course I will have set up in my back yard.

Finally, I'm not actually trapped in the basement. I just prefer the smell down here.