a feast fit for a Zombie King, ME.

ok guys, my week of binge drinking and orgies in honor of my return has sadly come to an end and I must settle down and actually do some work here. OK NEWS TIME CHILDREN. next week something major is going down. thats right I'm talking about the single greatest holiday known to man. FANKSGIBBING!!! YEAH!!

YAAAAAAY!

the name has officially been changed in all official puddingwife documents because no one cares about being thankful fuck that people just want to gourd themselves. So I, Jordan dark lord of puddingwife and surrounding bloglands, here by declare that from this day forth the holiday formerly known as thanksgiving will be called Fanksgibbing by all who fall under my rule.

ok now for why this is my favorite Holiday, and im sure Nicks favorite as well. I am a glutton and a hedonist. I enjoy food. not only do i enjoy food, I enjoy being able to eat enough food in one sitting that could feed a large African village for a mo

nth. Thats the true meaning of fanksgibbing ladies and gentlemen. This is the one time of the year where everyone who celebrates this holiday says "dear rest of the world I have a fuck ton of food, like a mountain and i could share it with you but instead i'm gonna eat it all and then throw up." Fanksgibbing is celebrated mostly in america, but other cultures have something similar as well. Germans have Oktoberfest which is fanksgibbing combined with a month of straight drinking. so basically drunken fanksgibbing that lasts a month, the Germans know how to do it. ok, children go out eat until you barf then eat some more, JUST BECAUSE YOU FUCKING CAN!

just like this fellow

Enjoy the holiday guys and i'll see you when i wake up from my food coma!

The Zombie is among us once more!

So I would like to just make something perfectly clear right now. Your moment of silence honoring our fallen comrade was not in vain. Jordan is dead! I assure you. But... He's sorta risen again... They have a word for this actually... ZOMBIE!

Now stop the complaint mail! I grow tired of the whining and name calling. And telling me what my name rhymes like is still not funny!

Ok, I just needed to make this perfectly clear. Jordan is still dead. He's just the first of the Zombie uprising that will soon occur. I hope you all have shotguns ready. Or maybe if you die soon enough you can fight on the side of the Zombies! That would be fantastic! I think I have a new goal in life... or in death... or in... post-death?

So Jordan is indeed back. Keep the date for it is an important one for the future of Puddingwife.

Go America!
Go Zombies!

HELLFIRE AND DAMNATION CANNOT STOP ME

ok, enough is enough. I'm fucking tired of what my beloved puddingwife has become. It is once again time for me to ascend to my dark throne atop a pile of dead puddingwife fans who sacrificed themselves to me. For those of you know don't know who I am. I am the all father of puddingwife. I am the great and powerful Jordan. Nick has mentioned my death before and I do thank him kindly for that, but my time of death is over. I have come back to claim my empty throne. I see Nick has done a lot of changing in my absence. He deleted some of my favorite posts and has gone through my other ones and edited the fuck out of them. yes nick i know your dirty fucking tricks. NOW you all shall see the opposite side of puddingwife. first of all WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE BACON BRA NICK, DAMNIT ALL TO HELL I LOVED THAT PICTURE. shit where was I. oh right telling you who the fuck I am. I am simply the dark side of pudding wife. I am an atheist (if that is a problem leave right now because my posts will be filled with it i assure you) I love to fucking curse. LIKE A FUCKING SAILOR. Now that all the weaklings have fled to their mothers I can get on with business. This blog needs more edge, all the edge that was here is now gone, so its time I bring it back. I hope you people enjoy me because I am going to be posting at least once a week. and if you dont like me then you are all nicks friends anyway and I probably don't care about you. SO BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW MASTER YOU PATHETIC WORMS. and also have a pleasant visit to our little piece of the internet.

oh also side note. Today the 13th of November, which happens to fall on a friday shall be celebrated as the day your dark lord has returned unto you. thats my holiday imput.

also again FUCK YEAH SLEEP DAY!

The year is 1976! Don't believe the lies of the media!

//BC = Before Christ

//AD = After Death

//Code initiating variables in separate classes

public static void main(String[] args) {

if(!BC && !AD) {

return null;

}

}

There we go. I just deleted 33 years of human history via Java. Which, since Java is how the Earth was coded, those 33 years are really gone (Either Java or Perl...(xkcd reference there)). The point is this whole 'Anno Domini' is not what I learned and I refuse to destroy what is concrete in my life. AD is After Death. And sure that means that during Christ's life there was no recorded time. But I'm ok with that. I'm pretty sure that Mark was supposed to be recording time but he got distracted. First by fishing... then by ministering.

So my life is returning to computers. I tried my hand at art. We all saw how that turned out! Not really I enjoy it as well, but computers is what I understand, and I'm only 2 months away from returning to my calling in life! I still remember my first attempt at a program. I believe it looked a little bit like this:

public static void main(String[] args) {

halo.build();

masterCheif.putOnHelmit();

}

It was a good idea, and would sure make programming a lot easier if that's all it takes to create a video game. It was just a matter of guessing the best video game name and saying: tetris.build(); and there it was! Whoever guessed the best names got the made the best games! It even rhymes! But no.... I believe all that programs like that produce is:

Aw yes.... Our friend the 'Blue Screen of Death'. O how I've missed you in all these art classes... Wait a second... having you was a terrible thing huh? I didn't miss you at all! But there is a lot that i do miss. Now don't get me wrong. I loved animation, and I still head down to the Animation lab and am working currently on a animation in COLOR! Yeah I'm serious!..... Ok settle down.... Its a lot to take in I understand.... Especially with that font....

Anyway, I'm just not the artist that getting into that program requires. So I found a loophole. I call it: Computer Science Major with an Animation emphasis! Fantastic! Pixar and not being an awesome artist?! Can life get better?! I doubt it! (I submit that it cannot!)

But back to the point of this article. We're in the 70's baby! (and not-baby's!) Now lets make one ground rule tho. Just because its the 70's does not mean that 'groovy' is acceptable. That, nor afros, nor soul! Ok maybe soul... But only the Commodores.... But the year you're thinking of was the 40's. You gotta accept that everything is the same, except the year. And this is scientifically true, based on my 4th grade math (which is always flawless). 2009 is way in the future. This is also why all of your computers still work. Rest assured, 2000 will indeed be the end of the world...

It's a hard transition, I know. But with enough work, I think we as humans can move on. Also, I apologize for the total lack of consistency or organization in this post. What? Do you think I plan these before hand? Is this the first post you've read or something?

Go America!

Black Friday

THANKSGIVING! This is the second most exciting upcoming event next to Laundry!, which will always top the charts on the feeling of excitement. Oh and in case you think that's a typo above but you should know its a real fact that you actually have to follow the word "Laundry" with a "!". Anyway, to show my excitement for Thanksgiving this year I decided to make a quick bar graph depicting some of my favorite things next to my excitement for this upcoming holiday. (Its important to note that this graph is measured in "fun units" aka units of fun, enjoyment, etc.)

As you can see, Thanksgiving is very high in my book. Especially because Cheez-its and Skiing define my existence, anything that even comes close is quite exciting. (Yes! My goal to use the word 'quite' in a post.... check!)

Even though Thanksgiving, itself, offers many great opportunities for awesome....ness... It's actually the next day that I would like to focus on. The much more spontaneous and exciting (and deadly) Black Friday! We all know its the one day of the year with extreme discounts for the upcoming Christmas season. This whole idea is fantastic! Gather together hundreds of thrifty (and usually well-mannered) adults and race them with no rules and promises of discounts! Well... maybe not all that fantastic.

But recently I've noticed that there are a few things that are not discounted on Black Friday. Some of these are: Airplane tickets, tuition, taxes, my phone bill, speeding tickets, and of course, Babies. That frustrates me actually! I think that having a baby should be cheaper if you are able to hit that little window! Just surprise the people and tell them, "In honor of the upcoming Christmas season, this baby will be 50% off the usual price." Babies are expensive, ok?

The only problem would be when people started to catch on and started to do the math and aim for Black Friday for the baby's due date. "The rest of the year contains 40% of new births, and then the weeks around Thanksgiving has the other 60%. We had to kick out some cancer patients and one man who fell off some scaffolding to make room for the influx of babies last year" Dr McAwesome will say. (***Note: Dr McAwesome is not real. He did not actually or will ever say this, probably. Do not try to find him. Or send him hundreds of Hoops and Yoyo singing cards to 12563 Strawberry Hill Ave, Stamford, CT 06902)

Despite this little issue that may arise. I think its a great idea!

Also as an announcement. The votes have been counted and the holiday we will be celebrating is on January 3rd - festival of sleep day! Bring your pillow, teddy bear, blanket, etc and don't get out of bed all day! Looking forward to it! (Also, Cassie wins the prize for most persuasive argument. She will be recieving her own complimentary "Puddingwife" Dental Floss! Congrats Cassie!)

Go America!

Oh! I Just Died in Your Arms D-Bone

O yes. Its time to let the world view my incredibly patient and epically long attempt to annoy my roommate. Now we all know what the 80's were, bad hair, bad fashion, horrible CD cover art, and not amazingly impressive music, but endlessly and undyingly (immortally? unstoppably? resurrectedably?) catchy. One of the most amazingly catchy songs of this era? Cutting Crew's "(I just) Died in Your Arms Tonight". (Music video is kinda disturbing... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dOwHzCHfgA... I didn't even want to post the video on my blog because I would be scared to come back...) So I kinda like the song, I think its pretty catchy so I started to play it a little bit. Then I decided to learn it on guitar. Then the idea hit me!

(Happy Halloween... Not really, this is really the album cover... Happy 80's! But Happy Halloween anyway.)

D-bone quickly was exposed to its undyingly catchy-ness and began to sing it as I would play it on guitar. This is when it hit me, "I know a way to be annoying!" (Its probably bad that that's my number 1 goal but....) So it began. Since that day, every time Daniel and I have been together, that song has been playing. It's kinda a psychology experiment really: "How long until D-bone snaps and starts shooting people?" That's what I want to know. It took about two weeks of this before he said anything at all. That something was just like, 'wow this song is on a lot'... Then it turned into his 'annoying, endlessly playing song'....

So I knew I had to be a bit sneakier... and the song was already getting on my, and LeBron James' nerves before D-bone.... So I stopped playing the song directly. Instead I would search on YouTube for a clip that 'just so happened' to have that song as a background. Or I would just play the song right before he left for class, sure enough, he'd come back singing the song still, that would mean I had succeeded.

I'm not sure how long this experiment will last but I'm not gonna stop until he either loses it, or says "Dakota" like the old charging horses in the Old West.... Because I'm a stallion.... Anyway I will have to check back in here when something awesome happens and account the story. So please don't tell D-Bone about "Dakota"... If he reads the blog, that's one thing, but.... still.... I'm enjoying it... even though I hate the song... its so beyond worth it when he starts unconsciously singing with it.

Go America!

The Truth Everyone Should Know

Oompa Loompas and Fairies hate each other.... That is all....

Go America!

Darth Kelly

So its over! My animation class is over! We tried a compilation to finish it off. It was so so so much work. And my section....doesn't....look all that fantastic........... But that aside! The video itself is awesome! A lot of it might not make sense so I'll try to explain some of the inside jokes. They may not be funny, but at least they will make sense. Well.... actually... watch it first.

Ok the point of inside jokes is obviously to alienate people... So in order to continue to enjoy them I will not go into a lot of detail about them. Alright, so the "perfect A+" is actually what a kid named Mike would say after every animation we'd review. Next one. The first girl is actually a girl from our first class who thought because our teacher's name was Kelly, it meant it was a girl.... We haven't seen her sense.... suspicious.... Well the rest is kinda self explanatory and just random. I'm personally a fan of Darth Maul with the epic face. The head shape actually is based on my teacher, Kelly Loosli.... therefore... Darth Kelly....

I also re-drew my bouncing ball as it was my lowest grade during the semester. I figured I might as well put that one up too! ENJOY!

GO AMERICA!

The Epic Adventure

Now then. Examine the picture above. Look at the emotions, the lighting, the 3 dimensionality, the color choice. Now forget all that, because this is not the epic face I had on during my epic adventure. In fact, I was about to call this post something more descriptive like "Printers are Evil" or "Printers suck" or even "God gave man life, the devil gave man printers." As is evident... I hate printers... But I really wanted to use this face, (you'll know why later) and therefore I named this post "The Epic Adventure".

This is how my story starts. It turns out that today we had a Biology essay due. That's no big deal, so I wrote it this morning (not recommended). I finished my essay and clicked print I ran out the door to my Book of Mormon class in the Tanner building. But... here at BYU, to print you have to then go to a printer and scan your card to get anything printed... this I did not do. So when Book of Mormon ended I booked it to the SWKT (for everyone not from BYU just look at my visual cue at the bottom of this post) computer lab and scanned my card. It just so happens that print jobs time out after an hour... CRAP! So I make a desperate call to D-bone, hoping by some miracle he was home and could save me, but no answer. So since I only saved the document on my laptop at my dorm, I had to head back to Heritage.

Now keep in mind I only had 10 minutes before my BIO class started. And I had already wasted a bunch of time in the SWKT. But let me assure you, I covered some crazy ground back to my dorm. I bust in and there's D-bone sitting at the table! What?! So he just looks at me all calm as I'm all sweaty, panting, and I'm pretty sure that my eye was twitching, and says, "Oh, I saw you called."

I was obviously upset but its not like I could do anything about it. I just booked it to my laptop, hit print and walked out to our dorms printer. Of course its got this huge error message that's like, hit F1 to continue. But.... the keyboard is locked away so only the mouse and card scanner is accessible. I had to think quick at this point because it was about 2:10, and my class started at 2:00. Then it dawned on me, the Heritage central building! That was close! Then I'll just book it to class. I get to the central building... and sure enough... There to great me is the same error message... and still no keyboard!

I just leave the building and start walking to the library (HBLL) and when I finally get there I walk up to the door and see a girl open it towards me and walk out. So I get there... there's no handle! I'm like, what kind of powers are conspiring against me! So I look up... "Exit Only".... Oh... So I go to the doors next to that after feeling like an idiot and finally am able to get my paper. I then book it to my class in the Richards building and was able to get there by 2:20. That was a lot of work for 6 points.

To explain the picture, the red dots are printers that failed me, the green dot is the one that worked... finally... and then I pointed out my two classes. Note how close they are usually... I think there might be a more effective route than the one I decided to take. The route is in black obviously and its up to you to figure out exactly what it means... it was hard enough to make it... well not really...

Go America!

Halloween in Felt Hall

So I was thinking the other day (I know, like I really was!) and it dawned on me that Halloween is coming up in just a little while! AWESOME! I don't even need to make up a holiday on that day! (Happy White Cane Safety day by the way) But with Halloween comes the inherent problem of picking a costume. You don't wanna mess up and look like a goober all night. Like you do if you actually insist upon dressing up like Elvis Presley after their 70th birthday. Or like you do at Star Trek parties; even if its your Star Trek party...

Anyways, all these "you" comments have gotta stop. This is my blog dang it! MEEE! So anyways, I picked two of my favorite costumes:

Okay You can't hate something like this! I mean I'm usually against the whole 'dressing your animals up as something... but that's just awesome... Actually who am I kidding? Dressing dogs up is awesome! Anyone who doesn't is the yearly Halloween goober. Of which I will officially choose one each year. But that's for later. Still love this dog...

Ok.... I'll admit the whole dressing your child up like a terrorist is kinda risky. But how is this any different that dressing up like some Bloody Demon? Ok I guess its kinda racial... Whatever! Personally I love it! So so so much! And look at how happy he is! This kid kinda reminds my of my friend's little brother Luke. I hope Luke comes up with something this awesome, else he will lose his name and this kid will get it!

I wish I got to trick-or-treat in a college dorm though. I mean the kind of things that these kids are going to get will be awesome. I used to be so excited when I got something other than candy. Little did I know that the people had actually forgotten to buy candy and were sick of me pressing their doorbells like crazy. The way I saw it, either they would never know, or they better get out here! But I'd always like try to brag to my friends like, "What did you get?"

"O a bunch of Snickers, Reeses, Butterfingers, an-"

"Stop right there with your second-class collection. I got me a packet of staples! Yeah you better believe it! No really, its right here..... O and below that you'll find my broken vase!"

That's what trick-or-treaters will experience here in my dorm. 80% of what they will get will be Ramon. Lets not kid around. Then 10% will probably consist of old homework with doodles on it. The last 10% is wild. Maybe someone will be prepared with candy, but that's probably unlikely. Most of it will be like left-overs or pencils or something.

And commence your drum rolling upon your keyboard! padda padda padda padda (repeat). Ok, free yourself from the endless loop of repeating "padda". Ok here we go! The annual Halloween Goober! (as searched for on google)

O man... That image is never gonna leave me. Therefore I thought it would be appropriate to share it with all of you. Enjoy!

1 Year Ago!

Today is an anniversary of one of the greatest days in the history of the world! And no, I'm not talking about Columbus Day! (Although I do believe in Columbus) Today is the anniversary of the time that a drunk suicidal man drove into my school! Best Day Ever! All I know is I had a math test I wasn't ready for and went to bed super depressed! Never have emotions gone from absolutely awful to plain amazing in such a little amount of time!

A lot of people don't really believe me, but let me assure you, its true! Check out http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_10709532 as proof! Seminary..... Cancelled! Better than a Snow Day! YEAH! So, in honor of the greatest day in the history of the world, School is cancelled! For All! Just like it was cancelled one year ago! And every year from today forward!

Go America!

Evolution of Man... or rather the Walk Cycle

Hey Guys. I thought I would as usual put up my most recent animation I've been working on. But this time I thought I would break up what I've done into steps. We were assigned to make a walk cycle animation. Therefore, not all that many drawings were required, its just that the last drawing has to line up with the first. It also has to be fluid and life like. It was a pain even though it was only like 11 drawings or something.

The first step was to just draw the legs so that the motion could be tested to make it convincing. (And I'm not sorry if these are hard to see, you should get new eyes)

Next is just to add a simple body

The arms are tricky since they need to move opposite the legs. In other words, when your right leg moves forward, your left arm swings as a counter balance.

Now was simply adding some form to the stick figure.

Finally I tweaked the drawings and actually re-drew all of the drawings onto new sheets of paper and used a very dark pencil to finish it.

Now I know these are anything but perfect (the figure's right arm flashing on its way forward, the changing size of the head, the minimal weight expressed, and especially the right thigh growing on the step forward.) but I thought they would be pretty informative. This little cycle took apprx 6 hours to finish. Granted some was distracted time but still!

Go America!

Cheltsea Saved the Day!

So guys I must say I didn't expect a miracle like this to occur. It just so happens that when Cheltsea, loyal PW reader, was looking over the Flying Cockroaches post, she remembered an instance where the original blog post was emailed between us and she sent it to me. Therefore Cheltsea will henceforth be known as the Day-saver! Lets hear it for the Day-saver! Horrah!

Ok here goes!

"On another note, cockroaches by themselves, I’d say a threat level/creepy bug level of about 2. Even if they’re big. But add the fact that they stinking fly, and I’d put that score up to about 9 (on a scale of 10). I actually had no idea that they had the ability to fly until a couple years ago when I had one visit my house. I grabbed a cup and a magazine and casually walked up to the thing, planning on scooping it into the cup and throwing it outside, all the while proving to my wife that it wasn’t a big deal by being so cool about the whole deal. And then it flew. It blew my mind. I screamed like a school girl and went running. I seriously had no idea, it caught me so off guard. So that was flying cockroach encounter one. Then a couple weeks ago, I was sitting in my living room strumming my guitar, minding my business when I heard this low buzzing sound. I looked up and saw a big dark figure flying towards my face. I dodged my head and averted the beast, only to have it land on the back of my freaking neck. I literally threw my guitar across the room, threw my shirt off, and just stood there dumbfounded. I didn’t know what happened. And then I saw it…a cockroach easily bigger than my thumb climbing up the wall. Of course it flew again, across the room under the coffee table. Have no doubt I killed the living crap out of that thing. And then finally, tonight. Just sitting in my room, once again playing my guitar when I hear a big smack. I look up to see yet another giant cockroach scaling the wall. The smack was no doubt the sound of it FLYING and hitting the wall. I grabbed a shoe, swung, didn’t get a clean hit, and ran away like a little girl, fearing the wrath of the flying cockroach. I went back and now I can’t find it. So now I’m all on edge cause I probably have a half mutilated spawn of satan crawling about my house. I left a window cracked in hopes that it’ll find its way out. Bah. So the moral of the story is: cockroach = eh, whatever. FLYING cockroach = pure evil"

Yay Thrice. And Yay Day-Saver!

Everyday is a Holiday

So in my endless quest to make the world a little more exciting and less serious, I have begun celebrating holidays. For example, Today is Name your car day... Which is depressing... O how I miss you, Adalia. And yes that is my cars name. A name fitting a mustang... Anyways, here's the link so you can join in on all the fun!

http://www.oshel.com/everyday.htm

So here's the plan loyal puddinwifers. We will make a new holiday that will rival Halloween! But can't decide which holiday to do. I was thinking one of the following though:

October 14th- Be Bald and Free day (We all shave our heads? But I kinda like my hair... And a bald cap is outta the question. We gotta be committed.)

October 29th- Hermit Day. (We go visit Hermits out in the mountains! We'll love it, they'll dread it. Maybe we can introduce them to each other and make them play board games?)

November 3rd- Sandwich and Housewife's Day. (I didn't make this one up! But I'd probably get in trouble for encouraging it... I just thought it was funny...)

November 11th- Air Day (I don't really know what we can do on this one... If it was something like Air Conservation Day maybe we could just not breathe very much all day? But its not.)

November 30th- Stay at home because you're well day (Fantastic! Need I say more?! Clear leader so far. Of course I'm pretty sure this is called something else... What was it? O right Labor Day... Except one thing. The people who celebrate this actually work... that's a problem)

December 20th- Games Day (You have to play games all day. And I mean it. Wake up at midnight and I expect 24 straight hours of games. ie Video games, board games, fun games... etc)

So those are some rough ideas. Just drop a comment or something on which holiday and what we will do and I will decide who wins the contest and send them something special... maybe....

Flying Cockroaches

I have to start off this entry by admitting that I did not write this blog entry; however, it was the most influential entry ever for me. I laughed so hard. And so puddinwife became puddinwife. It is an entry by a band named Thrice and influenced the way I write on here. Please enjoy:

Ok um... yeah.... I uh couldn't find it... But you can imagine how incredibly awesome it must be right?! I mean to influence puddinwife! You have to either be awesome or at least the pope. I learned to fear cockroaches from it! Especeally when they can freaking fly! RIDICULOUS! Well maybe I can distract you from this most recent disappointment with a video? Another animation I've drawn. Enjoy:



O and no cockroaches are allowed here... None... Ever.

The Frog

So when D-bone and I left to Utah he found this random plastic frog in his sister's old house (probably containing swine flu) and decided it would be a good idea to bring it to college. I was somewhat against the idea at first but I must say its grown on me.

Earlier last week I was going to bed and as I was crawling in, thinking about beautiful women, I noticed an uninvited guest in my bed. I was ticked! There was that stupid frog. D-bone lost the stupid point... D-bone -1. So in my fury I set the frog back into D-bone's bed. Sure enough when he got in, there was the plastic frog. Point, Nick. So the next morning we began the true use of the frog, annoying our roommates. When Canadia left, D-bone snuck into his room and put the frog under his pillow. D-bone back to 0. The frog even returned to my hands the next day! So I entered the room of the tall one and noticed two pillows. This presented a small problem... But I decided I would put it in between his pillow.

Now this is the best story so far. The Tall One and LeBron James are roommates and LeBron bought himself a nerf gun. Late that night The Tall One returned home he walked in quietly trying not to wake LeBron before he knew what was happening nerf bullets were flying like bees with rabies at him. When the beating stopped (and yes, nerf bullets can provide a beating... Don't question me!) The Tall One collapsed onto his bed only to slam into a plastic frog. Nick - 2. Whahaha.

Sure enough, the frog returned to me once again. I guess everyone assumes when they put it on the kitchen table they are safe from the plague... WRONG! I'm not even sure who I got this time... But I aimed for Lebron. Its in his backpack as far as I know... We'll see soon... Nick - 3

As for this... I don't really know what to say. It came up on google images when I typed in frog. I don't get the connection... But I thought you all would appreciate it... Although it looks kinda gross like this... The ones on the left look like they have anthrax... enough said

Animation

Hey you guys. I thought this might be fun. I'm studying animation at BYU right now and thought I'd put some up. Granted they aren't any good, but at least they're fun right?!

That one was one I did as a group with some kids. You know it was just as an experiment to see how everything worked as far as animating goes. Just kinda a first test. The one below was because we got a lil bored and we had finished early.

And now finally I present the true slaving over a hot stove (or at least a light table which became hot cuz it was on forever while i drew 86 pages on it....) I call it: Somewhere over the Rainbow... EXTREME!

So there you go!

Returning from the dead...

Hey you guys... Sorry its been such a rough time to be an avid puddingwife fan. Its been tough for us too. Times are just not as bright as they used to be. For this reason I have changed the background color of the entire website to black to represent the loss the the one speck of light in this world for quite some time. That light is of course this blog. I vow, as Co-creator of the almighty and powerful blog, PUDDINGWIFE, that I shall write upon ye weekly through at least this current semester.

Now this may not be the most entertaining entry I have written and for this I apologize; however I promise to return to normal posts from this point on. So if you are truly one of our fans who reads this still without my encouragement (and I know who you are) then expect your own complimentary box of official Puddingwife dental floss.

As for things I should warn you about from this point forward. I regret to inform you that either Jordan has died and/or his desire to continue to write upon this blog has disappeared. In either case I would not be expecting many more posts from him. Please join me in a breif moment of silence as we honor our fallen comrad................................................Thank you.

So here we go my friends. It is time for this blog to take its rightful place in the world. At the very top of the non-research blog standings. It is up to you to create a world where Puddingwife is a household name.

Until that day my friends, I say goodnight. I will write again very soon.

The Emergency Room

As many of you already know I'm sure, I spent this Saturday in the ER. I just thought I'd explain the story here so that I can avoid telling it any more times. Here we go:

The date : July 18th

So last Saturday some of my extended family was in town so we went on a traditional bike ride from Vail pass down through Copper and into Frisco. So with some effort I managed to convince Cheltsea to come along and join our bike ride. So began our trek. My brother Jay and my French exchange student Adde were in front on the Tandem (incredibly fast for some reason) followed by Cheltsea, then me, then my Parents and Cousins. Most of the bike ride was pretty uneventful. Just a bunch of people in a group desperately clinging onto a metal rod that steers two wheels that are the only things separating them from certain demise. Same old, same old, I know.

Finally approaching Frisco, there is a dirt bike trail off to the side of the road that I have ridden on since I was like 5. There are a bunch of little jumps that are pretty small but still big enough to get your bike off the ground for like a third of a second. But last year they built these jumps up. Now they are about 2 or 3 feet high. A joke if this was skiing, but biking... that's about all I'm willing to take on. So all is well and Jay and I are jumping and having a good time. Then my family starts to leave and I realize Cheltsea hasn't hit any jumps! Somehow I'm able to convince her to stay and do some more jumps with me. This is about when I have my great idea.

The biggest jump we're willing to go on is a decent size that you bike on the path, then down a short hill and off it. I wanted to hold the record for the most air so I decide to come at it like a police dog after Michael Vick and get tons of speed before the hill. And I mean tons of speed, like more than I've ever had even at the bottom of this hill before. So when I go down the hill it suddenly dawns on me, 'Holy Crap, I'm going really fast.' So this is where I made my mistake, I should've just gone for it but instead I focus way too much on the speed and try desperately to slow down and begin to lean too far forward. I went off the jump and my handlebars took a nose dive and flipped.

From here I'm going to have to go off of what Cheltsea said happened because I only remember about 2 minutes after the fall and then it goes totally blank. So here goes:

My head hit first followed by my left shoulder (which took the majority of the impact) and then the rest of my body. I remember laying there but not being able to open my eyes. I then hear Cheltsea run up and ask me if I'm ok, to which, being a man, I say "Yeah I'm fine" even though I know I'm not. I ask her to help me get up so we can walk back to Frisco when I suddenly realize I have no clue how to get there. I can't even move my own bike so she has to for me. Then the next thing I'm aware of is sitting on what appears to be a bus stop bench with Cheltsea next to me. So I'm still a little out of it and can't remember much and she tells me she's moving in two weeks. I had no idea! I looked at her like she was sniffing paint or something but for some reason the thought of her moving felt true. So I let it slide and my parents pulled up.

I was a parents nightmare right then. I was covered in dirt, clueless to most of what was going on around me, extremely pale, and could hardly move my arm because it hurt like crazy. So we drive to the Frisco ER, which I'm actually still not sure how we even found and I'm waiting for a doctor to tell me how bad I was messed up and my manager calls me. He lost his contract with the Old Spaghetti Factory, so in essence, I lost my job too. Perfect, this day is awesome so far. That's just the kind of call you hope to receive in the emergency room. I couldn't believe how bad a good day could become in just an hour or two!

After reviewing the X-rays and such, the final diagnosis was a level two separated shoulder and a mild concussion. That meant that I have to wear this stupid sling for 4-6 weeks but just barely avoided separating it bad enough to call for surgery. This is a picture of my shoulder and back from above, that'll just kinda give you an idea of the color that I was that night.

RIP

I Lost one of my good friends the other day, his name was Billy Mays. He was my favorite guy on tv. anything he told me to buy I wanted, when I was little i forced my mom to buy me oxyclean just because billy mays told me too.

I'm still alive, I'm just trapped in the basement!

So just to be clear. I'm not totally sure how many websites I'm blocked from and its only on my laptop. So yeah its a little annoying but who am I to complain? My kids are way worse off. They have no idea of the backhand slap of a life they're going to have!

So, to my son(s),
What's up?! How's it going? I see you've found my blog. I have no idea how cuz I sure didn't tell you the url. O well, enjoy!

My Daughter (hence the missing option for multiple daughters. That's because if I have more than one, the second is going to China to go be of some use.)
I swear, if you aren't wearing your extra pairs of clothing....

Just to make some sence of my letters to my children let me explain. I'm not gonna be worried about my sons at all. They can do pretty much whatever they want and I'm not gonna be worried. If they get beat up or something, they better learn to defend themselves better. I'm not going to raise a bunch of babies. In fact, that will be their one rule: Thou shalt not whine.

Now my daughters... I'm going to be way off the top protective of them. I was just kidding about the China option, my wife would kill me. So unless there's a freakishly attractive woman out there that approves of my plan, I'm in trouble. (If you are said attractive woman... FIND ME!!!)

So first rule: Must wear either extremely loose clothing or multiple layers of clothing. I don't want any hormone driven little boys getting any ideas.

Second rule: Cannot talk to boys until they are 16. Not date at 16, I meant talk to boys at all. Dating isn't til 20.

Third rule: Thou shalt not whine that thy brothers have freedom and thou dost not. (Pretty self explanitory.)

Fourth rule: When that awful 20th birthday presents its ugly head, I must meet potential first date boy and he must complete the entire American Gladiator course I will have set up in my back yard.

Finally, I'm not actually trapped in the basement. I just prefer the smell down here.

Reply to Google troops

My counterpart wants you to believe that Google is evil and will take over the world. this is only half correct Google will take over the world and i will love every minute of it. for Google is the only true search engine left. yahoo has degraded itself to nothing more than a showy attention whore. yahoo has so much other crap on its page i can barely find the search bar. there is news and movies and music cluttering up the one thing that yahoo claims to and thats a search engine, on the other hand google is nice and clean with the bar prominently desplayed right in the center with all of its smaller items off on the top. google can do so much more than yahoo can it has a built in calculator, brilliant! just type in some numbers and a sign and it will do the math without having to click on any of the things. Google also has fun easter eggs. go Google Chuck Norris right now exactly as I put it. awesome right? does yahoo do that? NO it doesn't! its lame. Google also celebrates various holidays and famous birthdays with fun banners. Google has more than one type of search have you ever hit the more button go do it right now. once again awesome right there are so many of them one i like the best is the scholar search if you are trying to find actual data use this one it brings up database entries and scholarly papers for your use. if you just look around Google does everything Yahoo does without any of the clutter its amazing i support everything Google does.

oh and this is the yahoo office compared to googles:


VIVA LA GOOGLELUTION!

Google Troops

So I learned a while back that Google bought Youtube. Now this may not be exactly what you'd call new news but I thought I'd bring it up to begin making my point. 

Today I would like to discuss a great fear of mine... That is that Google will one day buy up enough to support a country and build up an army to destroy America.... and those who use search engines such as yahoo or dogpile.

Its not a pretty picture I understand... But the way Google is headed, it shouldn't be much of a surprise should it?! Much like ducks, Google is bent on conquering the world. I'll discuss ducks in later blog.

It will start with yahoo. Everyone who is or even knows someone who is anyone has known that Yahoo has been a thorn in Googles side. Soon the search button will work no longer. Then a new screen will flash that simply shows your address and mapquest and a countdown. "Thou shouldest not have used Yahoo..." Then I guess you die or something... 

So moral of this entry, Don't use Google... or I guess only use Google...

GO YAHOO!!!

The Demon Shower

So I've already introduced the single most evil location in the world earlier in Puddingwife. Forget you Eastern State Penitentiary or St. Anne's Retreat or Britannia Manor! The most evil place in the world is my shower. Yes really.

To be fair though, I do have some good news about my bathroom. I've finally stopped stepping on nails! After weeks of stepping on them, I've gone without stepping on them for coming up on a month! I know that most people expect this from bathrooms but I'm excited ok?

So my bathroom is getting creative. It gets hot now, pretty quickly in fact. But my shower has new ways to torture me. So above is a diagram of a shower control valve. I have the perfect temperature, then on either side is scolding hot or freezing cold. Now I have to stand outside my shower and wait until I find the warm temperature. Here's where my shower got creative. So I found out recently that the perfect spot changes location. So I can't just leave the nozzle where it is, I have to find it every day. On top of that, it changes spots even while I'm in it. So I'll just be showering minding my own business when suddenly I'll notice steam.... then I notice my skin boiling.... Then comes the screaming. So I gain courage and test it and I realize there are little glaciars forming at the bottom of the shower. It just plain doesn't make any sense.

Then my shower performed the ultimate evil just yesterday. I'm enjoying the warmth and I put a bunch of shampoo in, more than necessary, and its dripping off my head all over me (I know, it's an impressive image) when suddenly, the water shuts off. I just look up all amazed at the sheer dark ways of my shower with this new idea. I turn off the water, and wait.... and wait... and wait... and finally try turning it on again, as if that ever works. Nothing. So I have to bang on my wall and force my Dad to help me. Turns out MY SHOWER shut off the water to the house! What kind of demon would do that?!

So moral of this story.... I live a life of fear... Where will my shower strike next.... and Why? There is a probable part three of stories from my shower. Until then, avoid my shower... if you can...

Pirates

So tomorrow is my school's Battle of the Bands. My band happens to dress up as pirates, which has led us to believe that if we do win, it will probably be more because of the fact that we are dressed like idiots rather than musical abilities. O well, I call it strategy. So last Saturday we went shopping for pirate costumes. Of course we're all too cheap to go to a rental shop and buy the stuff that actual pirates would have worn so instead we went to the ultimate back up, Good Will.

We began searching through shirt after shirt and pant after pant trying to find something that looked something like a pirate would've worn but despite our efforts, we couldn't find a thing. Finally we looked for help and found an employee named Stephanie that we enlisted into our quest. She spotted the problem immediately and led us away from t

he men's section into the women's section. Sure enough, almost all of our costumes are women's clothing. Its not too bad cuz no one knows, but I don't feel I fill the shirt very well.

This lead me to two conclusions:

1) Pirates were crossdressers.

2) Girls dress in some weird things.

I'm not sure which is correct but either way, someone should feel a little offended.

There is one man however that I cannot stop thinking of as a Pirate. Michael Jackson, Picture shown below:

Alright to get the full effect you've g

otta copy

that picture,

set it as your background and start playing 'Thriller'.

Michael Jackson would be the best pirate ever! Look at him he's dancing! He's killing his captain while dancing. He'd be unstoppable. Other pirates would fire at him and he'd just moonwalk past all of their bullets. They'd all be like, "Arg, I be thinkin he be movin forward but he be not!"

So before you think I'm crazy, tell me who you would perfer:

Normal Michael Jackson (Convicted rapist)?

Or the DREAD CAPTAIN JACKSON (where rape is acceptable)?

I find the desicion easy. GO PIRATE MICHAEL JACKSON!

Babies

Ok so as you all know i'm misanthropic. There are somethings i tolerate but this article is not about that. This article is all about the Hatred. YAY hating things. Today we will take a look at babies. Dear lord I hate babies so much. there is so muchi can say on the topic of babies that i dont even know where to begin. wheel of hatred spin, spin, spin. tell me the place to begin. ok the wheel of hatred landed on "ugly." BABIES ARE UGLY. there is nothing cute or adorable about a tiny bald, wrinkled person that constantly throws up on itself. you dont look at drunken hobos and think 'aww thats so precious'.

see what I mean

second babies smell bad. Now your probably saying but Jordan it's not the babies fault that it throws up on itself and poo's its pants. yes this is true that the baby cant help it but the fact that they give off gross smells at all makes them less likeable. It wouldnt be as bad if it was just the baby but thier stank infests the whole house. I mean god its everywhere constantly. plus the stuff you use to make babies less smelly is really smelly itself. its not getting rid of the smell its just changing it to different equally gross smell. you can never win the smell fight, ever.

third, babies are loud. they cry all they freaking time! if it wants food it crys, if it wants to play it crys, if it poos it crys, if you shake it it crys. SHUT UP BABY. im mean if it had other ways of comunicating besides crying then maybe it wouldnt be so bad. but since screaming at the top of their lungs while making various other annoying noises is the only way that they have conversations with people is not good. (solution: baby muzzle?)

people dont like the fact that i hate babies. they come up to me and are like but Jordan you used to be a baby. yes, USED TO, not any more. i also believed in god. THINGS CHANGE. when im older i prolly wont hate babies enough to make my wife have one but as of now I hate babies.

now for a theory on babies. Babies are an STD (that only effect women) thats why women go to hospitals to get them removed. ( I wish AIDS was that simple). people have decided that its socially acceptable to keep the babies as souvieniers(sorta like tonsils). after a while the babies start to change.(like moldy bread?.....or moldy tonsils??)when they change they aren't so bad any more (lol instead of getting smelly the smell goes anyway.)

I see the pie article on the horizon. look its right over there. or if your reading this after i have written the pie article the look its right up there. go read it....again.

Funny Pictures

Ok so the only story I have behind this post is that I found a lot of funny pictures on the internet... I love the internet. Here they are:

Women of the World Unite!

So I think I should explain that this was a really awkward topic to write about. Camille was next to me so I decided to use her help as a woman of the world to try and make things just a little bit less awkward for me. Therefore I made Camille type in everything into google and I just sorta watched and told her what to type.... Ok... Camille is being difficult... She must be PMS-ing. I guess I'll just have to deal with some strange looks from people walking past. O wait! Cheltsea is also a woman of the world and will replace Camille.


So as I began to discuss the idea with Cheltsea, it dawned on her, its 100% true. Here is my theory, and I have even looked for research to back it up. It all starts in my Psychology class maybe 3 months ago. My teacher took the risk of explaining that PMS-ing does not exist. There are actually no biological changes in a woman's body to explain odd behaviors.... and cravings... unless they are pregnant.


Ok ready for research: "Don’t blame the hormones. It formerly was assumed that women with severe symptoms had a different hormonal profile than those who breeze through that week with never a complaint. Accordingly, the most popular therapies–until now–were focused on modifying these hormonal patterns by adding a little progesterone or some estrogen. This therapy never worked, and so other approaches were tried–notably vitamins and herbs. Although they sometimes help, they haven’t been entirely satisfactory either." (taken from http://www.womenandhormones.com/Pages/page4PMS%20Advice%20.html)


Yeah. That's pretty impressive huh? Anyhow, my theory is such: Long ago there were twelve women known only as the black plague. These women met together one day and had a deep discussion, this is what they said. "Ok everyone, the meeting of the black plague has begun. Hey Josephine, you will be taking notes today. Alright everyone I have an important subject to discuss. Acting irrationally. We all know that it is incredibly fun; however, if we do it too much then we will never get married. Therefore there must be some sorta way that we can act irrationally and have an excuse that no man will ever question.... Anyone?..."


"What if we just always act rationally?"


Everyone laughs. "No for real this time... whew good one... ok so any other ideas? It has to be something that is unique to women so that men will have no grounds to argue against it..."


"What if we use (This suggestion is blocked for younger readers). Then we can act completely crazy every month and have a flawless alibi!"

"HELGA! PERFECT! And we shall call it, the Black Plague after our organization!"


So that is my theory. Of course they changed the name after a while to PMS but it explains why so many Europeans died in Midevil times. So from there every mother to daughter has a talk about the ability to act crazy once a month. In fact, Cheltsea just told me that they are actually educated in school to use this opportunity to its fullest. She's singing "Just around the Corner" to me right now.


For this reason, my life's mission is to find these missing notes from this important meeting and expose them. I'm not totally sure how men will react to the news. I'm pretty sure that most will be a little pissed. And women's response will be even more unpredictable. Will they deny it? Or simply assassinate me? I guess I will just have to wait and see...

Cars

As with most things I own, I have been doing my best to destroy my vehicular mobile. In my year and a half of driving I have been able to trade paint with 3 other cars. Only one of which was a moving car. Then on top of that Ive been able to break my blinker and knock off my mirror with a pillar and a cement curb. In this entry, I would like to clarify my struggles...

My first - A parked suburban.

Damage - Broken Tail Light, dent into side of suburban.

Summary - Ok I still make no claim of fault in this incident! So what happened was my mom

parked her suburban out side of her garage for no apparant reason and didn't tell me she did it! So its a white car and it had snowed that morning and my rear window is covered in snow and its 550 in the morning.... I blame her...

Second accident - Paul Woodbury's green saturn stopped at a red light turning left

Damage - Loss of front license plate, loss of paint on front of car, and yet... no visible damage to Paul's car...

Summary - Ok... This one was my fault... Pretty much completely... What happened was I was driving Charlie from seminary to school and we were waiting at the light to turn into my school parking lot when for some reason unknown to me I decided, "Hey... I should gun it forward for no reason without looking up. I bet the light turned green while I wasn't paying attention!" So sure enough I slam into his trunk... It must have looked really funny to everyone else tho cuz everything was fine then this red mustang just SOON lost it and gunned it into the back of a green saturn. So we didn't even ever talk about it really since most of the damage was done to my car... and Paul's german exchange student's mental statis. The funny part is I knew something looked different but couldn't figure out I what until after school when I looked at it and it hit me... My license plate was gone! I was freaking out and dragged Jordan along to go look for it. Sure enough, there it still was at the scene of the crime thankfully.

Third accident - Backed into in a parking lot

Damage - Minimal

Summary - Well this is the common right of passage to all drivers, the 'I was already here and you kept backing up even tho I'm blaring my horn and reversing' accident. I don't think I need to go into detail. I just looked at her angrily, she apologized, then I went home to eat cheez-its.

Fourth accident - The light post

Damage - Broken Blinker, hole/gash in front left bumper, body plate bent so that my door pops

when I try to open it, stained my best pair of pants.

Summary - Ok so this is going to take the help of a visual example again. Pretty much I imitated

Jasmin and turned around to grab something from the back, miscalculated my trajectory, and slammed into my light column at my house. That was the biggest impact I've felt in a car. Like I went from 18 - 0 really really fast... I know that sounds lame but it scared me ok? ps my parents don't know about this one. I just started parking in a bush to hide the damage...

Fifth accident - The Curb

Damage - My rear view mirror is no longer attached to my windshield

Summary - Ok So I'm a little bitter about this one as well... What happened is that I was pulling out onto Arapahoe in my mustang and was being a good driver and all. So I was looking to my left to make sure no cars were coming when all of the sudden it felt like land mines went off underneath me. I just ducked screaming, "I'm in 'nam!" Then I backed up carefully and still didn't see anything... So I had to get out of my car and look to see this little triangle of raised cement in the middle of the road with no RETURN signs and no purpose... except maybe as a joke... sitting right in front of my car. It was totally invisible to me! My windshield is really angled so seeing is already and issue and... yeah... stupid WaterWay... O and for future reference, hot glue does not attach a mirror back onto a windshield.

So I hope this has been educational. And I'm actually not a bad driver, I was ranked no. 1 during a BMW driver thingy... for lack of a better word... I just zone out a lot.

Moving

So yesterday I finally moved into my new house. We bought it 15 months ago expecting to move in by August, then in September, then by the end of November, then January, then February for sure... The final move in was March 2nd. It took forever. But this post isn't about my summer working, although I have plenty of funny stories while building my fence and while building my deck etc. This post is all about the mistakes I made while moving that didn't dawn on me until this morning. I was dumb. Look... I even disappointed Bongo.... That's a downer....


So yesterday I packed everything I could into my car and made two trips from my old house to my new one to create a room that sorta resembled what I wanted it to. That included one poster, a Dark Knight one of course. Any room without a Dark Knight poster isn't a room at all in my opinion. So I also got my guitars over there because I have always wanted to play guitar on the roof at my new house. That still is going to be awesome! But that is for another time. I wanted to talk about what I didn't remember to pack. The most important of which.....


A towel.....

So I wake up at 510 this morning and I walk to my shower and I turn on the hot water and wait.... and wait... and check and its still ice piped directly from antartica. I'm like, "what the crap? did I not turn it onto hot or something?" So i switch it the other direction to see if I had messed it up. Now I should probably mention that my house is a major remodel and my parents have upgraded everything from the crappy dump we bought to a pretty nice house, except for the basement..... and my bathroom.... So it turns out that unlike the rest of the house, my bathroom's plumbing takes about 15 minutes to get warm water. So by about 10 minutes I had given up, I wasn't patient enough to figure out why no warm water was coming. So I just jump in and take little excursions thru the freezing waterfall before jumping back to the opposite corner and shivering. Then all of the sudden one of my jumps was into a stream of lava. I pratically knocked myself out I jumped back into the wall so hard. I could see the temperature control but there was no way to get to it. The steaming geyser was in between us. Eventually, with the help of a pully system I was able to improvize out of a couple tp rolls and a coat hanger I was able to turn it onto cold again. Once again it was ice cold, I just couldn't win. So i finish my shower adventure and crawl out and look around.... I just kinda did the Bongo pose... You gotta be kidding me!


So I just grabbed my parents towel.... from their bathroom... where they were asleep. And walked to my room. It was then I realized that I had no blinds in my room. I either had to be an expeditionist or I had to get dressed in the dark. I elected the later. Yeah I still don't know what I'm wearing... but I'm pretty sure those aren't pants on my legs.... They have a hold the size of my head.

So I hope this helps anyone who is moving. Remember to bring: towel, pillow (almost forgot that one too), garbage can, and chairs (more important than you think at first)...

Elevators

In the great adventure that is my life there are, occasionally times where I show weakness, But this story isn't about that at all, why would i tell you those stories. So this weekend I was at the TSA state conference, I don't care if you don't know what that is. So thursday night I was riding in an elevator with some friends of mine Matthew Jewett and and Dillon Christianson. The three of us were going down to get some dinner with some friends, for it was 9:30 and we hadnt eaten in a while. So the elevator is going down one minute and the next minute it is not going down, or up, or left. All it is doing is sitting there just like an elevator should not be doing. Matt and dillon started freaking out I mean like a lot dillon was in the fetal posistion in a corner crying about how he will never see his "mommy" again and matt was sitting down with a blank look on his face, a usual symptom of someone retreating to their "happy place". with my two friends unresponsive it was up to me to get us out. I quicky pulled out my phone and called the only man I could think of, Mr. Moore. His first responce to my call for help was to laugh. He laughed and laughed at us. finally he realized we were serious. he said he would talk to the hotel people about our problem. when I get off the phone I see that my friends have calmed down, well dillon was still sobbing a little. we sit there for a long time. talking and telling dirty jokes just trying to pass the time. I decide to give my girlfriend a call just to let her know the situation. Just like Mr. Moore she starts laughing and doesnt take me seriously at all. After a while she calls me back wondering where I am. IM IN A ELEVATOR. After that she realized That I was indeed in an elevator. I think she was even worried about me. So more time goes by we keep in touch with mr. moore every now and then. His wife, who is also part of TSA, calls and the conversation goes a little something like this.

Mrs. Moore- hey where are you guys
us- stuck in an elevator
Mrs. Moore- I know *laughs and hangs up*

what a jerk.

finally after an hour and a half mr. moore tells us the firemen are coming. ten minutes later we are free. There is a huge crowd around the elevator door I they were all taking pictures of us and video taping. one of them shouted out "take a Bow" I punched him and pushed past the rest of them in attempts to get to the stairs. we finally get back up to the room where everyone from Grandview Has gathered. they all start cheering when we enter and my girlfriend rushes to my side.

so in the end I saved the day.

wow that was a lot of words I bet you people want some pictures well here is this one

Ghosts and Aliens

This weekend my mom was telling me about a dream that she had had the night before. It was about a dream about aliens. In her dream she had freaked out and locked the doors, never very effective, and hid in the basement, yeah... that always works. So sure enough the aliens broke through the feeble attempts to stop them and came into the basement. As I, for some reason a little kid (it would appear as though someone is trying to avoid the fact that she's going to be an empty nester), began crying frantically, the aliens explained that they meant us no harm. At least they were peaceful on one condition; we had to expand their marketing onto earth. Yes, intergalactic salesmen. You thought the ones on Earth were persuasive, wait til you see the ones who if you don't buy from, they will drop you off on a world where you are forced to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus for eternity.

Anyway, that got me thinking. What would I do if an alien spaceship were to land nearby? Would I run and try to save myself or call the government or what? I thought and thought until finally it hit me hard. I would absolutely go out and greet them. Listen, if aliens can travel light-years in seconds and then land nearby and want to kill you, do you really think the incredibly technologically advanced dead bolt lock is going to stop them? So if I'm going to die either way, might as well go out running at them. Maybe for just a second they'll be confused before they turn me to dust. Or maybe they'd make me their pet.... Hey I could deal with that!

But if they're friendly, I'll be the first to greet them and maybe they'll teach me the secret of telekinesis....

Now, as expected we move on to ghosts. I hate ghosts.... So much... That's actually a little misleading, I'm jealous of ghosts. They can do whatever they want (stalking people, walking through walls, floating, invisibility, etc), and if someone catches a ghost doing that they're like, "eh whatever. He's a ghost. I'll accept that." What lets ghosts just say, "hello established laws and rules learned through centuries of human existence, screw you!"? I, for one, do not accept that since I can't do it. Therefore, I am on a mission to find one, not to run away frightened, but to fight it. Yep, I want to fight a ghost. 

Bring it on... I already have my boxing gloves covered in Ghost-B-Gone...

However, after I die, if given the option, I will totally be a ghost. And I'm not going to be dumb and haunt people who deserve it (ie ghosthunters, inmates, high school freshman), I'm going to haunt people who thought they were safe from me..... Other ghosts. The revenge will be sweet. Or if that gets boring, I will haunt tourists in Disneyland. The irony will be too much to bear. Following that I will move onto superhero antics.... maybe... Depends how I feel that day. And its like that Fable game, super super super super super super hard to become good, and way too easy to become evil.... stupid ghosts

walrus, the

Ok its time once again for me to despence my vast wisdom unto you, the unwashed masses who read puddingwife. today it is time for the walrus:

the Walrus. A big fat ugly thing that lives up north

what do these guys even do for the world. Nothing no one eats them no one uses their skin for clothing they just sit around and eat penguins and yell at things these guys are the hedonists of the animal world. There has to be more to these mysterious fat creatures. I mean they live in the far corners of the earth so no one really cares about them. the truth is they are all standing around quietly sommoning a giant hedonistic walrus god beast who will use the earth as his giant comfortable chair and everthing else will cater to his and his walrus subject's every whim. I believe he will look like this

all great villains have monocles and top hats and crazy twirly moustaches. and also I think every walrus should be forced to wear a top hat that would be the best law ever. I mean just look

yeah i know its the coolest thing that you've ever seen but remember these guys are evil. i cant stop thinking about going to the zoo and all the walruses standing around with their top hats on. I digress next time you see a walrus remember all that they are thinking about is wanting you to bring them some wine while they sit around listening to opera and eating fine cheeses off of silver plates and that this will all occur as soon as thier fat lazy god gets here. ok so maybe we have some time before that happens but it will come i swear to you.

see its fun to know things.

Obama, the first black president?

Everyone thinks its so exciting that we have our first African American president in Barak Obama. It would seem that it is the end of a long history of racism.... However, Do Not Allow Yourself To Be Decieved. Obama is actually the 2nd African American president... The first being none other than William Henry Harrison. He is often forgotten since he was an albino African American. However, his parents were both slaves. Below is a picture of his actual parents:

The story of William Henry Harrison was a tragic one. Almost as soon as he was elected, he was killed simply because he was an African American. Harrison was breaking racial barriers as no one has before or has since. At least until radicals racists did him in, this time in the form of pneumonia, the most racist of all diseases. That is of course before AIDS was invented which dropped pneumonia down to the second most racist disease. I wish to take a short time to honor this man since our country has forgotten his contirbutions.

Remember William Henry Harrison.... The REAL first African American president.

Psychology Experiments

I have realized recently that although most people act normal under most circumstances, there are always those who just don't... You know the people who just always seem to creep you out no matter what they try to do? For example, Jordan and I were walking out of the library a week or so ago and everything was fine until we notice this old guy waiting by the door. Immediately I start thinking, Oh no... An awkward moment is about to occur... I've seen what old people do!! I will not be taken! I will not be controlled!!

Sure enough, as we are waking out the guy made eye contact with me. So I knew something really weird was going to happen so I decided to just to look straight ahead and walk past him. Then outta no where this disgusting like hairy hand pops into my vision and grabs mine. Then I look up and he's staring at me smiling... It was so creepy! He shook my hand and was like, "You have a good day son." I didn't know what else to say, I just kinda looked at him with this blank stare like... um who are you?

So Jordan sees this and tries to roll dodge around me to escape the guy. As he snuck around me, the old guys arm flew over my head and got him. Jordan didn't have a chance.... he died too young.... I'll miss him. Really tho, to help you understand I have provided a picture of what this guy looked like:

See?! Yeah it was a scarring experience... I can't even look at old people the same way anymore.

So after a few hours of pretending my hand had been cut off at 'nam instead of what really happened, it hit me. He must've known exactly what he was doing!!! It had to have been a psychology experiment. I was freaking out, and he probably just laughing his head off somewhere with like the video of me. Old people are evil!!!

Ok so maybe it wasn't an experiment but hey, it lets me sleep easier. If you feel better knowing some old guy wanted to touch your hand, by all means keep believing it. I however have decided that there are only three reasons why people act weird.

1) It's a psychology experiment - I like to think so a lot of the time.
2) They have had a labotomy - It's not their fault! They only have like half a brain!
3) They really are just creepy - Sometimes you just can't live in denial...