Elevators

In the great adventure that is my life there are, occasionally times where I show weakness, But this story isn't about that at all, why would i tell you those stories. So this weekend I was at the TSA state conference, I don't care if you don't know what that is. So thursday night I was riding in an elevator with some friends of mine Matthew Jewett and and Dillon Christianson. The three of us were going down to get some dinner with some friends, for it was 9:30 and we hadnt eaten in a while. So the elevator is going down one minute and the next minute it is not going down, or up, or left. All it is doing is sitting there just like an elevator should not be doing. Matt and dillon started freaking out I mean like a lot dillon was in the fetal posistion in a corner crying about how he will never see his "mommy" again and matt was sitting down with a blank look on his face, a usual symptom of someone retreating to their "happy place". with my two friends unresponsive it was up to me to get us out. I quicky pulled out my phone and called the only man I could think of, Mr. Moore. His first responce to my call for help was to laugh. He laughed and laughed at us. finally he realized we were serious. he said he would talk to the hotel people about our problem. when I get off the phone I see that my friends have calmed down, well dillon was still sobbing a little. we sit there for a long time. talking and telling dirty jokes just trying to pass the time. I decide to give my girlfriend a call just to let her know the situation. Just like Mr. Moore she starts laughing and doesnt take me seriously at all. After a while she calls me back wondering where I am. IM IN A ELEVATOR. After that she realized That I was indeed in an elevator. I think she was even worried about me. So more time goes by we keep in touch with mr. moore every now and then. His wife, who is also part of TSA, calls and the conversation goes a little something like this.

Mrs. Moore- hey where are you guys
us- stuck in an elevator
Mrs. Moore- I know *laughs and hangs up*

what a jerk.

finally after an hour and a half mr. moore tells us the firemen are coming. ten minutes later we are free. There is a huge crowd around the elevator door I they were all taking pictures of us and video taping. one of them shouted out "take a Bow" I punched him and pushed past the rest of them in attempts to get to the stairs. we finally get back up to the room where everyone from Grandview Has gathered. they all start cheering when we enter and my girlfriend rushes to my side.

so in the end I saved the day.

wow that was a lot of words I bet you people want some pictures well here is this one

Ghosts and Aliens

This weekend my mom was telling me about a dream that she had had the night before. It was about a dream about aliens. In her dream she had freaked out and locked the doors, never very effective, and hid in the basement, yeah... that always works. So sure enough the aliens broke through the feeble attempts to stop them and came into the basement. As I, for some reason a little kid (it would appear as though someone is trying to avoid the fact that she's going to be an empty nester), began crying frantically, the aliens explained that they meant us no harm. At least they were peaceful on one condition; we had to expand their marketing onto earth. Yes, intergalactic salesmen. You thought the ones on Earth were persuasive, wait til you see the ones who if you don't buy from, they will drop you off on a world where you are forced to listen to Billy Ray Cyrus for eternity.

Anyway, that got me thinking. What would I do if an alien spaceship were to land nearby? Would I run and try to save myself or call the government or what? I thought and thought until finally it hit me hard. I would absolutely go out and greet them. Listen, if aliens can travel light-years in seconds and then land nearby and want to kill you, do you really think the incredibly technologically advanced dead bolt lock is going to stop them? So if I'm going to die either way, might as well go out running at them. Maybe for just a second they'll be confused before they turn me to dust. Or maybe they'd make me their pet.... Hey I could deal with that!

But if they're friendly, I'll be the first to greet them and maybe they'll teach me the secret of telekinesis....

Now, as expected we move on to ghosts. I hate ghosts.... So much... That's actually a little misleading, I'm jealous of ghosts. They can do whatever they want (stalking people, walking through walls, floating, invisibility, etc), and if someone catches a ghost doing that they're like, "eh whatever. He's a ghost. I'll accept that." What lets ghosts just say, "hello established laws and rules learned through centuries of human existence, screw you!"? I, for one, do not accept that since I can't do it. Therefore, I am on a mission to find one, not to run away frightened, but to fight it. Yep, I want to fight a ghost. 

Bring it on... I already have my boxing gloves covered in Ghost-B-Gone...

However, after I die, if given the option, I will totally be a ghost. And I'm not going to be dumb and haunt people who deserve it (ie ghosthunters, inmates, high school freshman), I'm going to haunt people who thought they were safe from me..... Other ghosts. The revenge will be sweet. Or if that gets boring, I will haunt tourists in Disneyland. The irony will be too much to bear. Following that I will move onto superhero antics.... maybe... Depends how I feel that day. And its like that Fable game, super super super super super super hard to become good, and way too easy to become evil.... stupid ghosts

walrus, the

Ok its time once again for me to despence my vast wisdom unto you, the unwashed masses who read puddingwife. today it is time for the walrus:

the Walrus. A big fat ugly thing that lives up north

what do these guys even do for the world. Nothing no one eats them no one uses their skin for clothing they just sit around and eat penguins and yell at things these guys are the hedonists of the animal world. There has to be more to these mysterious fat creatures. I mean they live in the far corners of the earth so no one really cares about them. the truth is they are all standing around quietly sommoning a giant hedonistic walrus god beast who will use the earth as his giant comfortable chair and everthing else will cater to his and his walrus subject's every whim. I believe he will look like this

all great villains have monocles and top hats and crazy twirly moustaches. and also I think every walrus should be forced to wear a top hat that would be the best law ever. I mean just look

yeah i know its the coolest thing that you've ever seen but remember these guys are evil. i cant stop thinking about going to the zoo and all the walruses standing around with their top hats on. I digress next time you see a walrus remember all that they are thinking about is wanting you to bring them some wine while they sit around listening to opera and eating fine cheeses off of silver plates and that this will all occur as soon as thier fat lazy god gets here. ok so maybe we have some time before that happens but it will come i swear to you.

see its fun to know things.

Obama, the first black president?

Everyone thinks its so exciting that we have our first African American president in Barak Obama. It would seem that it is the end of a long history of racism.... However, Do Not Allow Yourself To Be Decieved. Obama is actually the 2nd African American president... The first being none other than William Henry Harrison. He is often forgotten since he was an albino African American. However, his parents were both slaves. Below is a picture of his actual parents:

The story of William Henry Harrison was a tragic one. Almost as soon as he was elected, he was killed simply because he was an African American. Harrison was breaking racial barriers as no one has before or has since. At least until radicals racists did him in, this time in the form of pneumonia, the most racist of all diseases. That is of course before AIDS was invented which dropped pneumonia down to the second most racist disease. I wish to take a short time to honor this man since our country has forgotten his contirbutions.

Remember William Henry Harrison.... The REAL first African American president.

Psychology Experiments

I have realized recently that although most people act normal under most circumstances, there are always those who just don't... You know the people who just always seem to creep you out no matter what they try to do? For example, Jordan and I were walking out of the library a week or so ago and everything was fine until we notice this old guy waiting by the door. Immediately I start thinking, Oh no... An awkward moment is about to occur... I've seen what old people do!! I will not be taken! I will not be controlled!!

Sure enough, as we are waking out the guy made eye contact with me. So I knew something really weird was going to happen so I decided to just to look straight ahead and walk past him. Then outta no where this disgusting like hairy hand pops into my vision and grabs mine. Then I look up and he's staring at me smiling... It was so creepy! He shook my hand and was like, "You have a good day son." I didn't know what else to say, I just kinda looked at him with this blank stare like... um who are you?

So Jordan sees this and tries to roll dodge around me to escape the guy. As he snuck around me, the old guys arm flew over my head and got him. Jordan didn't have a chance.... he died too young.... I'll miss him. Really tho, to help you understand I have provided a picture of what this guy looked like:

See?! Yeah it was a scarring experience... I can't even look at old people the same way anymore.

So after a few hours of pretending my hand had been cut off at 'nam instead of what really happened, it hit me. He must've known exactly what he was doing!!! It had to have been a psychology experiment. I was freaking out, and he probably just laughing his head off somewhere with like the video of me. Old people are evil!!!

Ok so maybe it wasn't an experiment but hey, it lets me sleep easier. If you feel better knowing some old guy wanted to touch your hand, by all means keep believing it. I however have decided that there are only three reasons why people act weird.

1) It's a psychology experiment - I like to think so a lot of the time.
2) They have had a labotomy - It's not their fault! They only have like half a brain!
3) They really are just creepy - Sometimes you just can't live in denial...

Bacon tasty Bacon with lots of syrup

So there are two thing in this world I love...yes only two. they happen to be both food items one is the glorious baked good that is Pie (insert patriotic music here). and an article on Pie will come later i promise. For now i will focus on my second love, this love is for bacon. mmmm bacon is the single best meat ever..........ok sorry I'm back i was just fantasizing about bacon...no not that way...well maybe a little... OK so now
and also

I love bacon so much I have expanded on my items that taste like Bacon the one I like the most are Bacon toothpicks. I love those things they are amazing.

there have also been some not so good experiments with Bacon flovored things. such as Mints. Personally I like mints and as you all now know I love Bacon but together they create a substance most foul. I got these on accident one day after ordering some bacon toothpicks online. I was sent some bacon mints instead. So with my philosophy being try everything once, for this might lead you to some tasty things that you never thought could be tasty, i popped several in my mouth this time my wise words did not hold true, its such a drag when that happens. anyways I really hate those things so i really dont want to take time to post a picture of one so here is this instead.

I'm sorry i just had to post this.

Its coming up on that time of year again...

Well as it is now officially february, the time has begun that some organized guy will start the prom epidemic. There's always the guy who asks like 4 months ahead of time just to make all the other guys anxious. Then even when you figure out who you want to go with you realize that prom was like last weekend... Yeah so to avoid that this year I have decided that I will ask my date ahead of time. Who is this incedibly fortunate individual. Simple... Mojo Jojo!

No this is not some sort of metaphor. I mean every word.... I will find Mojo Jojo and we will go to prom together... And don't worry, this was Mojo's prom date from last year. I don't think I have to worry about that other, not nearly as attractive, guy. I think we will easily win Prom king and um... Prom... green monkey. But honestly, Look at this:

Who wouldn't want to go to prom with that?!! Granted, it will be somewhat awkward since we are both males of different species but regardless, I am going to prom with him.... I've already asked. I've solved the prom problem for myself, now go find your own date!!

O and ps... Don't tell Mojo Jojo I got that in the towel... He doesn't know...